Line-Up and Plans for the Ben Day Exxtravaganza

My b.f.f is the only person who knows I made this site, and she asked me what song was playing on it. For you all's convenience, I'm going to tell you that it is Inside the Fire by Disturbed. Every Monday (except for this coming Mon. Sept. 7) I'm going to be changing the site song. Also, on Ben's birthday, I'm going to have a Ben Day Exxtravaganza!! Here's the line up for what's going to happen:

• An incredible birthday tributary post
• Erection of a Ben Monument Pictorial on the sidebar with all the pictures
• An upload of an actual original Ben collage
• The Ultimate Screamfest (which I will explain later in this post)
• The moment you've all been waiting for: the UNVEILING OF ME! (also later to be explained)

First, the Ultimate Screamfest is when I change the site song to the most irritating, angry violence inspiring, loudest screemo song I can find. I'll be putting up a poll on which song you think we should use for Ultimate Screamfest. This will also be happening on my birthday, only it will be the Ultimate Alt Fest, where we use the most awesome alternative/emo/punk song we can find on my iPod Top 25 playlist. For the Ultimate Screamfest, I was thinking that almost anything by Atreyu, Disturbed, Every Time I Die, or Slipknot should work, but if you have any suggestions, please don't hesitate to comment (anyone can comment on this blog)

Second, the Unveiling of Me is when I'll be using a pic of myself for my profile, and I will be uploading an enlargened version of said-photo into the sidebar a.k.a Ben Pic plot on the blog (it's the space on the right where all the pictures and text and whatnot are) Unfortunately, there are rules regarding the unveiling. First of all, if you know me and are going to see me in school, I'd appreciate it if you don't talk about me behind my back to anyone with incriminating relations to Ben (such as friends, family, etc) Second of all, I really don't want you to confront me or interrogate me about this, nor do I want you gazing at me in awe, fear, admiration, or disgust. It's not entirely for my sake, it's sorta for yours, and if this rule is broken, I will punch you on sight. I mean that. If the first rule is broken, I will HUNT YOU DOWN and upon finding you, I'll break you. Now the third rule is this: if you are on of Ben's nasty little apostles/compadres/minions, I'd heavily appreciate it if you say nothing to him. I'd rather he finds out on his own accord, not yours. You're not worthy of being a gossip (this applies to Nate, Tyler, and Jared, you low-life dancing monkeys!)

As for this Ben Collage, I will be making it myself out of random sketches of him that I have done with my own little hands. I'm gonna scan it and save it and post it. I have done a whole bunch of sketches ranging from mediocre to prodigal mainly for this moment. I'm an esteemed artisist, so I promise the collage won't be second-rate. Only the best drawings will survive to make it onto this site.

The Ben Monument is actually going to be the most glorious piece of art that was ever constructed. I'm going to be using clay, paint, and a camera to do this. I'm going to construct a six inch tall (approx.) of Ben, place it in front of a self-written plaque, and finally, I will take a picture of it which will be uploaded to this site. I'm not that bad of a sculpter either, nor am I a mediocre photographer, so this will also be a glorious tribute to Ben Rondy (although, it may not be as good as I'm building it up to be, but cut me some slack- it's hard when people have expectations of you)

The Birthday Tributary post will be a collection of hilarious stories from my birthdays, as well as some interesting snippets from my friends' birthdays. Also, it will contain the Top 5 Things You Should do on Your Birthday, ideas for birthday celebrations, and of course a huge happy birthday shout-out to the Master of the Macabre himself. ^-^ All-in-all I think that the Ben Day Exxtravaganza. This will be on September the 26th, and I will be posting a huge fancy invite to the festivities on the site in about 4 days or so. I look forward to this day with anticipation! I reallly hope you check this out!

Ps: This day will be recognized by Da Onez @ School, because I'm declaring it a National Holiday!! ^-^ ^-^

I HATE Nightmares, man...

I had a horrible dream last night. It was like this; Ben was running (pretty fast, I might add) down this dirt road, and these sharp-shooter dudes in Slipknot masks were chasing after him in a black Corvet convertible. They were leaning out with their rifles aimed on him. It looked like he was gonna get away until he stepped in a pothole, fell, and broke his neck. Then, the assassins hopped out the vintage ride, and shot him 8 times. They shot my boy to pieces, as the Godfather Don Corleone would say. I woke up at 4 am and cried for about 45 minutes and I was soo scared and upset over it. I knew no one was planning to kill him, and I was sure he wasn't dead, but those things scare you.

Heartagram on my Hand

i luv drawing on my hands soo much. I have a ton of Sharpies that I use just for that. Lately I have been trying out different designs with the HIM heartagram. On Thursday, I drew it with roses and flame. Everyone thought it was impressive but, see, art is what I do. Next to music that's what I live for and OH GOD MY EYES HURT! I need to get off the computer cuz it's almost midnight and I'm tired. I LUV BEN! Speaking of the subject of this site, um, his birthday is on the 26th sooooooooo get ready for National Ben Day!

Fiendish and Spastic

I haven't mentioned names of anyone except Ben. I haven't mentioned my friends, or myself, or my teachers. But I've made references to them. I have not made references to his friends, and here's why: they're fiendish and spastic. So much so in fact, that I will mention their names (at least the ones I know that disturb me the most) Jared is just so...hideous. Tyler is large and scary, and Nate...wel... Nate is just a moron. See, I don't know any of them that well, but I don't think I'd like them if I did. They're very obnoxious. Today after school Nate was flailing around like he was having a spastic convulsion or was posessed (even though that isn't true. He thinks that he was called upon by God to deliver us all from Hell. I'm just kidding.) Actually, Ben's friends are freaky, but IDK them, so I can't say that for sure. Jared COULD be just ugly and that be it. although I have heard he's very annoying. And I do know that Tyler is a creep and is a freaky fiend. I have heard that and I believe it. IDK about Nate. He might just be stupid or something. HE WALKS FUNNY AND HE'S ALAYS SPAZZING OUT! Here's my question: were they all crossing a road at a green light? Because I think they all got hit by cars or something. O.o Jk, u guys. I have no clue I'm just messing around (but not entirely. I do mean it, sorta)

Homework is the Ultimate Roadblock

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but I have been slammed with homework for the past 4 days. I can't remember where I left off, and I never look until after I finish a new post. SO I'll tell you what I have been up to. First of all, I got a 5 out of fifteen on a presentation (but with my report added, I got a 95 out of 100) because the teacher-woman said that I didn't take it seriously. I just was like, 'wtf?!' and she said 'well, it's mainly cuz you said your book was stupid' and I was like, well good Lord! You wanted us to say what we thought and I said I THOUGHT IT WAS STUPID! CUZ IT WAS! I was pretty angry. BTW I saw my b.f.f at the grocery store today. O.o It was weird cuz I never run into her in public. Usually we get together every other weekend, so we don't have time to run into each other in the middle of the week (or in this case, at the end of the week). Yesterday I put this Angels and Airwaves song on my iPod, cuz I thought it was kind of cute, and once when I was in Hollister, they were blaring this song. It's um..wait lemme see...Everything's Magic. I got over being all weepy over Ben, BTW, cuz um, it was irrelevant, and I decided I didn't need to get weepy. I discovered that I really like the Ting Tings. I have their song Shut up and let me Go as my ringtone currently. Yep. Cool, huh. Hey, remember when I told you about Ben's hat? Well, I have this hat, right? And I was like, hmm...I'm inspired. I luv dis hat, but I never wear it. So I will wear it. Idk what he thought of that. Was probably like, "OMG wtf is that: a me poseur? UgH!" But it reallly has nothin to do with him, he just put the idea in my head. I'm nawt a poseur for anything, FYI. And I don't know if he even noticed. So ha. O.o only a few mored weeks till I get a facebook! ^-^ I cannot wait! I'm getting a myspace, facebook, bebo, and quizzilla, too, cuz i want to get myself out there. So if you really wanna know who I am, start anticipating my unveiling! I'll be on facebook, and trust me

you'll know.

You probably already do.

Violet: The Color of my Tears

The tragic comedy divine,
Paints the way to peace of mind.
Leaving shallow lovers far behind.
Past uncertainties combine.
Bringing tears to sleepless eyes.
Memory runs the course of time.
Blood runs cold beyond the violet prison, for violent visions.
And so the broken record plays, as you throw us away.
We're never enough,
We're drowning in cliches.
So desperate to love,
We're twisting every word they say.
So we sleep through the days.
Within the heat of passions war,
Lust is spilled upon the floor.
Staining red the wasted metaphor.
The selfish need for something more,
Claws in vain at closing doors.
Scarring faces once adored.
Tracing circles in the violet prison, for violet visions.
And so the broken record plays, as you throw us away.
I love The Birthday Massacre so much: all their music is relevant to my Ben plight. Their song Violet is the shizznit, so I'm gonna put it on my iPod. These are the lyrics. The reason the lyrics are posted on my blog is because they apply soo much to my situation.

What Goes on in Their Heads?

Do you ever wonder about others' perception of you? I don't mean like you care, I mean do you wonder? I wonder what Ben really thinks of me sometimes, if he thinks about me at all, if he thinks about anyone (girls specifically). Every girl who has ever liked a guy has probably wondered that. Don't think I sit around beating myself up and thinking about Ben ALL the time. i think about other stuff too, like trips, music, school, blah blah blah. It's not like I'm an ugly loser, either. Actually, people tell me I'm pretty, and I guess I agree with them, but I don't sit around thinking about it. If I try to look presentable, I always look pretty. If I try to look sloppy I just look like a pretty girl who felt like being a slob today. So I do not thik of myself as ugly. As for 'loser' I don't think that either. I'm not too sure where I am exactly on the social scale. Hmm...weird. I have no idea. All the girls in my class seem to like me, so I guess I'm not super popular, I'm just well-liked. It doesn't matter. I do my own thing regardless of my spot on the food chain.

Curiosity Killed Alice

When Alice was falling down the rabbit hole, she wasn't really thinking about the fall entirely. She thought about the marmalade on the shelf, her cat, Dina, and then she'd occasionally wonder how far she'd fallen. In the midst of her wandering thoughts, she completely forgot about how hard she would hit the ground, soo when she finally hit rock bottom, it hurt like Hell. That's kinda the same concept as me and Ben: it's not the process of falling in love that hurts, it's the abrupt end that hurts the most. And I don't mean the end as in a break up (i mean, we were never going out). What I mean is that the real pain sets in when you're officially infatuated with someone. People say that death of a loved one is the worse pain that one will ever experience, but I feel that being in love is a close second. Sometimes I wonder: what the Hell was Alice doing following a white rabbit anyway? Meaning, what am I doing being so curious about Ben friggen Rondy?! BTW: Sunday I cried all night...and it hurt so bad But try to understand I'm under the weather since no one else belongs here with me....

I Fell for Him Like Winehouse Fell For Crack: Hard Without Hope of Recovery

Ben Rondy is like a drug substitute: legal, not harmful, yet just as addictive as something that will turn you into Amy Winehouse in a split second. I will not be caught saying that I'm addicted to him, because I've passed addiction a long time ago. I'm in a state where I'm completely consumed by him, and according to Webster's New International National Guard Dictionary there is a huge difference between addiction and consumption. It's hard to be enveloped by someone who you'll never get your arms around (let alone your friggen mind), or to be held by someone who wouldn't dare touch you. It's funny to think someone could hate you but never hurt you INTENTIONALLY. It seems so mind-blowingly wrong that it's almost as if it defies every law of science that was ever wasted on the youth. We have alot more emotional issues than everyone in the past could ever have forseen, and that's not our fault. The media tugs at most of us. But unlike everyone else, a real, touchable, visible, sensible force is tugging at me: an actual being is causing me to act and feel this way. It's not his fault, I'd never blame Ben for any of this, but dear God, why did you have to make him part of the equation? I'm not one to question the innevitable, or the unexplainable, but I seriously wonder why the Hell I have to struggle with (of all people) Ben. It makes absolutely no sense! I get so angry! He's so..so...whatever! I just can't describe him cuz he's beyond anything that was ever imagined or dreamed about. He's like the most beautiful nightmare I've ever had, only I can't just open and rub my eyes and expect him to be gone. I've rubbed my eyes a million times, but he's always there, silently screaming at me to keep falling for him, becasue it's only a matter of time before he drives me into madness.

Movin on Up!

;-* I stopped working on my novel due to a severe case of writer's block. Currently, the only thing I've been able to squeeze out is some bits of poetry, all of which are less like poems and more like Ben tributary sonnet/ sagas. *sigh* I'm insane and stupid for loving this guy, huh? What the Hell is the point of it anyway? Hmm...well, let's look at the positives. Mayhaps he's completely forgotten about what I did? Mayhaps he never really hated me, he just found me irritating? Who knows? Surely there's a teeny iota of a sliver of hope. They say every cloud has a silver lining, right? Welllllll....this is just another cloud, eh? So I could easily find that silver lining. It might take a looong time, but it'd be worth it! I should go for it: be a big girl and stop jumping in pity-puddles. I need to get tough and just hang in there. One should never feel like giving in: and if they do feel like it, they shouldn't do it. I just need to stay calm and not get so frantic! That's all! I'll be O.K I just am experiencing that sad little twinge that comes with loving someone who is as hard-headed and solemn as Ben is. I'm just as stubborn and I'm pretty determined; I just have to keep pushing forward.

No Prince Charming ALLOWED

I told someone once that I was sorry for all the wrong-doings I'd bestowed upon Ben and that I wanted to fix it, and they told me, 'why bother? You need to grow up, and figure out that he'll never believe you. I feel for you, but honestly-he's not Prince Charming. Jeez!' I just glared at them and bore holes in their back with my eyes. 'I never said he WAS!' I'd screamed out after them before storming away to brood. Yeah, he's not Prince Charming: PC was a gay prissy-boy in tights with a white horse that must've been constructed of saran wrap, since it was never dirty. Ben's more like a rip-off-butterfly-wings-and-give-them-to-you-as-a-gift type guy. I like those kind much better than the dragon slaying mama's boy kind. Those kind suck. All they think about is themselves. Ben's not like that I don't think. He's definitely no mama's boy. He doesn't seem to have any emotional attachment to his family whatsoever. But by no means does that make him a fair-weather guy who will never have a 'nice' bone in his body. He can't be terrible.

Dying Slowly

I am a sad, sad girl right now. I just broke my hand mirror because I was so frustrated. I stared at the cracks and shards from that glass and I started choking out these weird, half-dead sobs, and I just starting crying uncontrollably: shoulders shaking, eyes welling nonstop, the works. I'm telling you: love is a demon that possesses you, then slowly starts to eat you from the inside until nothing is left of you except a few shards and pieces. So why the Hell have I not given up yet? Because I'll never find out if things between us would work or not. I'll never know if all these days of careful planning and the past two years of complete heartache and denial were worth anything or not. I don't know about you, but I think that if I endured all this pain then I deserve something. I just wish I'd never said anything bad about Ben, you know? God! It's like I'm bleeding and he's the only effective tourniquet. You can die if you lose too much blood, you know. So maybe if he doesn't do anything at all, and if he never finds out anything, that could only mean one thing...

I'll die.

My Number One Wish

People have told me to move on, but I can't cuz he's the only one I've ever felt this way about. I'm going to go insane if I can't find a way to just let him know that I'm sorry and that I love him and I'd give ANYTHING just to have him with me. Is it too much to ask for: someone's love? Is it so exclusive? All I want is for him to love me as much as I love him. Only then will I be completely happy. It seems a little insane, but that's all I want.

Thinking and Dreaming can Make you Crazy

It's funny: the harder I try to think about something other than Ben, the more I think of him. I don't know why that keeps happening. He's quietly breaking my heart, but it's okay, because every time I see him, a little piece of me dies. I like that sensation: that feeling of falling through a chasm that goes straight to a dark, hidden, quiet place where I'm sure I can find him hiding and lurking somewhere in the shadows waiting for someone who is lost enough to be lost with him. See, I am him, and he is me, so we are one being that is pushing and pulling to survive. The more we push each other away the more we pull each other in. Physically, we're not always together, but I can't even begin to think of how many times I wake with a start in the middle of the night and have to look around my room because my thoughts haunt me and my dreams are so vivid and possessive of me that I begin to wonder if he was here watching me with his cold, staring, broken, lovely eyes, breathig into my air, standing on my shifting floor, peeking into my shaking mind, ripping at random threads from my breaking heart.

Yearning for a Golden Opportunity

The heart if not a place for violent visions, I know, but I would pull my eyelashes out one by one before I'd ever be talked into letting go of Ben. I'm a stubborn person: no one's going to make me give up easily. I know it SEEMS hopeless, but maybe there's a way I can get the pieces to fit together. It might require something easy, like taking out some glue and tape and patching it up together, or it might require something difficult like reshaping those pieces so that they fit. That's harder and takes a good bit longer, but I'm willing to do the impossible to get the one thing that will make me inexplicably and enchantingly happy. It's never enough and I'm not desperate to be with him, I'm just desperate to find a way to get something positive out of my efforts. I'd twist every word people say if it meant I'd finally have a shot at this guy, actually. I'm not one for scratching and clawing to get what I want, especially when I've been so rotten and don't deserve his forgiveness, let alone his affections. But I do wonder what it would be like if I did get what I wanted. It's like during the Depression: people yearned for something better SO much, and they wished for it SO hard that they got a tad irate.I'd never get ridiculously out of hand unless it looked like I absolutely had no hope otherwise. I will get him, one way or the other.

I'm Fed Up With WAITING

I'm fed up with waiting. I want to take action! I told you I'm childish. I get so impatient sometimes. All I want is for something divinely glorious to happen, and even if it never happens, I'm still itching to do something about this. He's so unaware of everything, it's sad...someone needs to do something about it. It's like time is in hibernation- a complete standstill that is completely intolerable. *twitching with agitation* Here's an idea, Ben: tell me what I'm supposed to do now, please. Why the Hell are you cutting me like this?! Is it so hard to tell me why? Oh, I see, you just don't want to speak about it. That's fine, I'm defenseless anyway. Keep on cutting me until I lose my belief in everyone and everything all together. You seem to want to be the focal point now, anyway. Lovely. He's in control of the situation, whether he knows it or not. Every move he makes affects people in some way, either good or bad. In my case, every day that he continues to exist is a good day for me. He's like a witch doctor, and I am his voodoo doll: he's calling the shots with his broken eyes and his intriguing silence. I'd gladly give everything away just so long as he'd make his plans known to me, since I'm carrying them out, obviously. What the Hell does he want me to do: jump off a bridge? Does he just not believe that I'm sincerely regretting everything I ever did to him? I DO appreciate the fact that despite all the horrible things I did to him (none of which he deserved) he never retaliated. Maybe he didn't want to sink to my level of conflict, IDK. But I love him anyway, even if he's just as aware that I don't deserve him as I am. I have to change; I have to make the sincerity of my guilt sink in. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, because he's got me so discombobulated that everything I do is going to seem trivial and ridiculous. He'll never take me as I am, so I have to fix this. I need to stitch this back together. Just because we know how the story is written and we know how it's supposed to end doesn't mean we can't change it, and since he doesn't realize that because he's too busy pulling my strings and sticking pins in my eyes, apparently, I have to do it. I have to break out if only for a few moments so I can rewrite our demented fairytale gone horribly wrong. That's why I'm here.
I'm fed up with WAITING

Lost in Your Strangeness

Another thing I really like about Ben is that it never looks or seems like he says much. Occasionally, he'll bespoke something, but not often, at least when he's around the lesser peeps like me. His quiet dispostion is very mysterious and sexy in that creepy, silent way, and it draws-nay, taunts you in. It taunts and beckons and DARES you to come closer. It's like how once I heard that God whispers His commands so that you have to bring yourself closer to Him to hear: it's pretty much the same concept, only not as divine or necissary. He's easy to deny, but impossible to just ignore. people stare at him for one reason or another. He doesn't purposely draw attention to himself, but it keeps happening. I'm really not that crazy, I'm just curious, so it's easy for me to get lost in his little indiscretions and idiosyncracies. I'm kinda naieve in my own way, and I'm childish so I like to chase shadows like him. It makes me forget about my issues, because I lose my fragile self in something else. Maybe there's something wrong with me, I don't know. I guess I'll never understand why I feel like he's wearing me like a stain that's impossible to get rid of, no matter how hard you try. Not that he's tried, actually. Maybe he doesn't notice..? Maybe he doesn't care..? WHO KNOWS?! All we know is that for some reason, people are getting lost in his strangeness, but unlike them, I can't find my way out again.

Ridiculous Judgemental People

Here's a question for all you big-headed people out there: have you ever loved a person who was kinda...well...mean? Like, you see them doing bad unto others, and you see them being naughty and disobedient, but instead of being completely turned off, you get more attracted to them? Well, if you can say no, then good for you. You don't have ABBC (attraction to bad boy complex). If you can say yes, then I sympathize with you. I read somewhere that if you're in love with a jerk, you need to move on because they don't love anyone except trouble and themselves. But I think that's a load of baloney (baloney meaning fake is spelled baloney, bologna is how you spell the meat. I know how to spell. I have a trophy from a spelling bee, thank you very much!) See, I don't really care about these losers who just ant to be ridiculous and say that people like Ben are no good for anyone, cuz they're just weenies who have their heads screwed on wrong. I LUV people with imperfections, cuz that makes them perfect to ME and you know other people think that too. He's actually a highly desired guy. Of course his clientele, if you will, include girls who are almost as artistic, intelligent, and enigmatic as he is, for the most part. Or maybe that's true in my case. OKay, lemme rephrase this: his followers are girls who are mediocre, and then me and one of my friends. I think she still likes him. IDK. Maybe she just thinks he's hot

Broken Records ANNOYING

Is it wrong to writh in your own self-pity? The answer is Yeah, it is. I tell you, hating someone really is easier than loving someone. You can talk yourself out of hating someone, and spend the rest of your life feeling indifferent towards them, but to go from hate to love soo ridiculously fast is just utter mayhem. I've always been one who finds themselves at the epicenter of complete chaos, and where there's chaos, well...that's where you find Ben, I guess. Which sucks because once I'm in, I have to claw my way out, and I'm seriously working at not leaving people bleeding like i used to. My life is kinda like a broken record: it never gets past that sad romantic ballad that drives people crazy. It sticks to me like duct tape, only unlike tape, there really aren't any scissors that can cut it in half. I can't stand to think of that wasted time or to think of my selfish need of something more than what I'm seeing

Crashing...Burning...Hope is FUTILE

I am soo angry right now. I wish I'd never fallen for any of that crap my friends said. See, my friends (some of them) are rude and like to tease people and make people miserable. It's probably because they're not happy, but IDK. Anyway, I wish they'd never started it, because when they did it, I participated and soo...because I pretty much antagonized Ben, the chances of him EVER liking me are about 1,000,000,000 to 00.1. That's a pretty pathetic chance. Oh, God, WHY?! Why was I so stupid? *sobbing and boo-hooing like a baby* This is so ridiculous! ARGH! I'm...I'm so steamed right now. Somebody please do something! Please! EEK! Can you believe my horrible luck?! I'm such a retard, honestly. This is insane. I can't take it anymore. Je nais regrette rien my tail end: I regret everything now. I do. I always say I won't but I do. He makes me feel so guilty. I'm not sure how one clears their conscience of these kind of things, in fact, I don't think you can. Maybe one day, I'll get over it, and he'll gradually forget, if he hasn't already, and then everything will be peachy. *snorts with skeptical laughter* AS IF! I don't think the madness will end ever. Hope is futile. If only I'd never said anything. If only...I guess 'if only' statements never fix anything, either. No use wallowing in my dismay. It's all going to Hell in a handbasket.T.T

Hoping Through the Suffrage

Join me In Death: that song just speaks to me you know? It's beautifully depressing. I'm not depressed, but I like romantic nightmares like that. It's a pretty song. I'm starting to wonder if I was right about hope being a waste. Maybe I could just cross my fingers and hope that maybe, by some chance the Fates are with me and the stars are aligned in my puny favor, one day far far down the road, I'll get what I want, and when I get what I want, it will be just as wonderful as I imagined and dreamed it would be. *Sigh* Ben's a pain without even trying. Gawd, this hurts. I didn't anticipate all this heartache when I signed up to lawlessly and irrevocably fall in love with this guy who might hate me or not really notice my existence (although that's probably not the case. He hates me) This SUCKS! Argh! I wish this didn't hurt like Hell. I still am going to hold onto this as long as I can, even if it kills me. This is what it's all about, really: you have to work to get what you want, and in this case, work is dealing with the almost intolerable pain of lawless passion that no one understands, not even me.

My Work Ethics

O.o I'm listening to my iPod while I blog. Have you ever noticed that sometimes, when you listen to certain music your brain processes either better or worse? When I listen to emo, screemo, punk, alternative, rock, heavy metal, death metal, speed metal, or acid rock, i tend to write better, because that kind of music gets me thinkin about certain things. It's weird. Whenever i was in elementary school, I used to have teachers that would play classical music or the sounds of nature while we'd be working. It always distracted me, or made me sleepy. One day last year, I put on the rock station and sat at my desk to start my homework. I did really well on that work, too. It was then that I decided I do all my best work under the following circumstances:

1. At night, probably before bed

2. Listening to my specific genre of music

3. With the door closed

4. Either at my desk or in bed

5. While chewing gum

Usually these circumstances are set-ups or despearate cries for failure, but not so much in my case. I think that music just gets my adrenaline going and motivates me to do better. Classical music just makes me ridiculously sleepy, so it's a little difficult to concentrate when I listen to it.

I Wish I Had A Time Machine Or a Chuck Norris

I wish I had a time machine so I could take Chuck Norris back to when an acquaintance of mine ruined my plan so Chuck could roundhouse kick her in the face. I had a plan where I would leave Ben alone and then when the moment was juuust right, I'd actually build up the moxy to be nice and just say hi real friendly-like and whatnot. But that friggen dumb girl ruined it! *stamps feet and marches around bedroom angrily waving fists and knocking pencils off desk* RUINED IT! She threw it on the ground, stomped in it, smushed it, and when it was good and dead, bit a huge chinck out of it then threw it in my face saying, 'here's another failed attempt at ever being liked by anyone, you stupid loser'. What did she do? She called him 'vile'. When I think of the word 'vile' I think of negro vomito pr the black vomit, and when I think of black vomit I think of Ebola, and when I think of Ebola I think of a disease that eats you from the inside out so that you cave in and die a slow, 30 minute death, and when I think of that I think of level four biohazardous testing, and when I think of that I think of big burly government dudes kicking in doors to meth labs screaming, 'all right all you suckahs get the Hell out of this shack now with yo f****in hands behind yo nappy heads, ya har?! I said NOW!' So I don't think of anything of even the teeniest minota of pleasantry when I hear the word 'vile'. *sobs and pouts* I wish I could get Chuck Norris to judo chop that girl in the back of the head. *Sigh* another failed plan, I guess.

Curse You 3 Day Weekends!

My tolerance for people and other stuff has gotten alot better, but one thing that I have started to HATE is three day weekends. Why? Um, on 3 day weekends, or 3DW I have to wait forever to see Ben. Silly, I know: stupid, even. But I don't get to see him that much in school, as it is, and those like 3 minutes a day are the coolest 3 minutes of my day. Haven't worked up the nerve to say hi to him yet. Didn't I say I think he hates me? WTF would even be the point of just saying hi to him? I could smile and be really naturally nice and say hi to him like two friends who have only been friends for like 2 days and see each other in the store: no small talk, just a friendly greeting, but it wouldn't matter. Man, Ben! God! I LOVE YOU, YOU FRIGGEN JERK! YOU'RE THE MEANEST GUY I'VE EVER MET IN MY LIFE BUT I LOVE YOU! GOD! Why can you not even see that? Can't we at least be friends? Please? I'm not desperate or anything but honestly, I'm sorry if I ever did anything to you, and I wish so friggen hard that I could take every last second of it back. I'd take every nanosecond of it back if it meant you'd at least be my friend. That's all I want. T.T Really. That would make me soo happy, you don't even know

I'd Like to See THAT Happen

I know a girl who likes Ben. Duh. That's not really unusual. But what is unusual is this: she thinks I have no shot, and that she has a better chance than me because they have 'so much in common'. HA! She knows nothing. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like her, she's nice to me and stuff, but she has about a snowball's chance in Hell of EVER dating him. In fact we both don't stand a Fudge Pop's chance in Miami of going out with him. We're both as unlikely. But seriously, as far as HER going out with him, I'd like to THAT happen. Of course I'd like to see me and him happen much more, but I'd be humored if they went out. Wait...no I wouldn't! Nooo! I'd be so friggen upset! O.o WTF am I talking about?! I think..I-I think I need some sleep, because I'm just getting eveyrthing soo wrong right now, it's ridiculous

Deep Stuff: Making Others Feel Good-Can't we all Love Each Other!?

I've decided to write puny for the remainder of my blogging experience because it saves space and precious time. It is 11:18 pm, which means it's actually pretty late for my brain to be functioning properly. So, in case you haven't noticed, alot of my posts have deep stuff in them. This blog is where I share all my thoughts that pertain to Ben that I feel like sharing with the general public. To put it quite frankly, there are things I'm probably never going to share with anyone, but that's okay, because everyone has secrets, right? Besides, if I feel like letting everyone in this much, I think I should get the reward of keeping some things private. I'm putting all this stuff out in the open because I need to get it out somewhere. I write it down, I draw it out, I cry it out (in fact, most of my feelings are soaking in my pillow as we speak) but it's never good enough. With all the hate and conflict and whatnot that goes on in the world, I just feel like someone needs to just say something nice and talk about something different, something pleasant, something that tugs on people's hearts and reminds them that they have them. It only takes one person: if i talk about loving Ben, then someone else will think it's okay to talk about they're love for so-and-so, and then more people will do it, and then we'll all feel soo much better. I just think that someone needs to talk about the positives more and try to make others feel good. I'd like to make others feel like there are nice people they can turn to, yeah, but I'd probably like it for Ben to see this. I mean, he might get creeped out, but I'm not obsessive. I think I'm expressing myself in a calm, intelectual, MATURE way. ^-^

*Sigh and Googly Eyes* It's Harder to Love Than Hate

Ben is so cute. really. I don't even care if I'm the only one who thinks that (i'm not, i know, but c'mon) He's adorable in a bad-boy sort of way. I've always liked guys like him, but that means nothing because I've had 2 b.f's both of which sucked miserably, and soo Ben would be a major improvement. I know he'd never even consider me unless someone hit him over the head until all his sense was gone, and I wouldn't take him senseless anyway. At least I'd like to think I wouldn't. *groan* It is impossibly difficult to like someone and the feeligns not be returned, but it's even more impossibly difficult when it's actually illogical to even hope it would ever happen. In fact, this is one of those few occasions where 'hope' is actually ridiculous. I think he hates me, actually. IDK why, but I just really think that. The thought hurts. One of the other reasons that it would NEVAH EVAH HAPPEN is because, well...I'm like 3 yrs younger than him. yah. It's like a huge gash ripped in your arm: it's a big open gap that hurts like Hell every time you look at it or think about it, and the bleeding and pain never really goes away. It's sad, and depressingly romantic. I could cry myself to sleep with the dull pain of realizatio n cutting into me, but I'm really too young to focus on being distraught. So for now, I have to put that sadness aside in order to move on and keep having reasonable thoughts. I'm much more mature than he could even begin to fathom, JSYK, but still, I'm way shorter than him. Besides, people would pick and tease and torment and it would be just insane. I really can't afford for people to do that. I just got my confidence back, and I'm not prepared to be torn down again. Sometimes loving someone is harder than hating them, but I guess that's why we have war. Because it's really the easy way out when you think about it. I'm tired of being miserable. But I'm not just going to up and decide that I don't want to like Ben anymore just because it hurts. I'd rather hurt for the rest of my life than give up without knowing what could've happened.

HYEN (Have You Ever Noticed)

Have you ever noticed how if you look up something on images, things will come up that you weren't looking for, but are soo cool that your attention gets stuck on them? Yeah, that happens to me all the time. It's really funny. Like, I'll look up something like 'red' because i was trying to find a red background for my laptop desktop and I found something for my phone that was 10 x coooler. It was kinda nifty, but that could be inconvenient. I just felt like sharing

OMG That Hat Is SOO Friggen AWESOME!

Okay, so on...Friday..? Yeah, Friday. Anyway, on Friday, Ben wore this hat. You're probably like, 'yah, so?' Well, it wasn't any hat: it was the most awesome hat ever. In fact, I kinda want one like it. My friends were like, 'ugh look @ that stupid hat ugh ugh ugh' and I was like, 'mmm-mmm' cuz they wouldn't get it if I said, 'nuh-uh that hat is hot.' I don't think he'd mind if I had the same hat. He probably wouldn't even notice. Thank gawd for short attention spans!

O.o Awkward

Hmm...I just had an odd and awkward thought. What if he was bored one day, and looked himself up on the Internet? Then he might see this. O.o Ooh...that's awakward, all right. It's not bad per say, but it's a little unsettling. I'm not entirely sure what he'd think. What I do know is that if someone wrote nice things about me, and that 7 billion people could see it, and think, 'wow, this person must be really great-and really lucky that someone loves them this much' I'd be pretty happy. But IDK. He might get creeped out *sigh* boys. They can't handle global compliments, can they?

All Right, Confession Time

So, as if it isn't obvious, I'm writing this post in teeny letters because it's embarassing. I do have a little crush on Ben. But even if I didn't I'd still be writing this blog, it just wouldn't have as much work put into it as it does. IDK why I feel that way, but it reeeally doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm doing something nice for him whether he knows about it or not. I feel like people like him have soo much potential and are soo intriguing, and it's unfair that they don't get put on the pedestal where they belong. I can't think of anyone like him other than two people: myself and my reflection. Of course, we don't look like him. But we have some similarities. *snorty laughter* you'd be surprised how much we have in common. I bet if you thought you knew who I was, I through off my trail huh? GOOD! Let this be a game.

I LUV This SONG!!!

I luv this one song, 'Join me in Death' by HIM (yeah, I know I put up a poll that asks who sings it, but the reason I'm putting it in the post is because this way, people will have to read my blog. Clever huh?) Anyway, the reason I'm talking about it is because it makes me think of the guy who just happens to be the topic of this whole blog. LISTEN TO IT!! I'm gonna figure out a way to get it on here so you all can hear this awesome song.

*i officially dedicate that song to ben. yay!

Why Won't I Say Who I AM?

I like to keep things on the downlow. I don't know 'bout you, but I reeeeeally don't like when people know what you're thinking, or they assume they know what you're thinking, and spread the wrong message around the school. But, what I CAN tell you is this: it really doesn't matter. YOU'RE the one who probably Googled him and saw this. So, before you start saying 'ooh, somebody's obsessed and made a Ben site' think of it this way: if you're not obsessed, then why'd ya look him up?! BTW, I not obsessed, I appreciative and feel like some really cool person has gone overlooked for some time now, that's all.
Let's see if you can guess who I am...it will be fun. In a few days, I'll put up some place where you can guess or something...

When and Why did I Come up With Macabre?

I was watching 'Nightmare Before Christmas' and they called Jack Skellington the 'master of the macabre'. I asked my mom what that word meant, and she told me it was like bad stuff and ghoulish morbid antics. I figured it summed Ben up, sooo I applied it to him. *sigh* I wish he could see this...he'd probably appreciate it...