*Sigh and Googly Eyes* It's Harder to Love Than Hate

Ben is so cute. really. I don't even care if I'm the only one who thinks that (i'm not, i know, but c'mon) He's adorable in a bad-boy sort of way. I've always liked guys like him, but that means nothing because I've had 2 b.f's both of which sucked miserably, and soo Ben would be a major improvement. I know he'd never even consider me unless someone hit him over the head until all his sense was gone, and I wouldn't take him senseless anyway. At least I'd like to think I wouldn't. *groan* It is impossibly difficult to like someone and the feeligns not be returned, but it's even more impossibly difficult when it's actually illogical to even hope it would ever happen. In fact, this is one of those few occasions where 'hope' is actually ridiculous. I think he hates me, actually. IDK why, but I just really think that. The thought hurts. One of the other reasons that it would NEVAH EVAH HAPPEN is because, well...I'm like 3 yrs younger than him. yah. It's like a huge gash ripped in your arm: it's a big open gap that hurts like Hell every time you look at it or think about it, and the bleeding and pain never really goes away. It's sad, and depressingly romantic. I could cry myself to sleep with the dull pain of realizatio n cutting into me, but I'm really too young to focus on being distraught. So for now, I have to put that sadness aside in order to move on and keep having reasonable thoughts. I'm much more mature than he could even begin to fathom, JSYK, but still, I'm way shorter than him. Besides, people would pick and tease and torment and it would be just insane. I really can't afford for people to do that. I just got my confidence back, and I'm not prepared to be torn down again. Sometimes loving someone is harder than hating them, but I guess that's why we have war. Because it's really the easy way out when you think about it. I'm tired of being miserable. But I'm not just going to up and decide that I don't want to like Ben anymore just because it hurts. I'd rather hurt for the rest of my life than give up without knowing what could've happened.